There was stillness in the house yesterday. The rhythm of his breath was an invitation to the rhythm of our heart.
Thank you Virendra for letting be in your close circle of friends in such an intimate moment, I said to him couple of weeks ago and again the day before his final departure.
Virendra has many friends and I can't say we knew each other very well on a day to day practical level, but our "connection" started long ago, here in Amsterdam in the faraway 1986.
Three weeks ago we laughed about that. He said do you remember Milena when you paid the Rebalancing Advance Training and you had trouble getting all the "Italian lira" to Holland. At that time he was in charge for the administration of the old Caravansary Osho center in Amsterdam.
And the suddenly it struck me this very gentle man, far away from any power trip of the Commune, looking at me with his wonderful blue eyes trying to help me out on financial things. A detail I had forgotten but that came vividly back in my mind.
Over the years after that, we met again many times in Poona and always he had this gentle beautiful smile as if he was all the time in contact with the secret of life.The giggling laughter of a real sadhu.
I think Virendra knew the art of being watchful, mindful, peaceful with an open heart. I am sure. I tasted his grace in his last days of his life. I breathed into the depth of his meditation, that took me gently deeper inside myself.
He has been facing with an extreme dignity his mortal predicament. He did what he could to help his body recover from the cancer and when there was nothing more to do, he accepted this too.
When in October last year, I found out he was sick, I wrote him an email. He replied:
Cara Milena,
What a nice surprise to receive an email from you, and with so much empathy.
Yesterday I included you among the people that I sent the latest news about my health, but is was in Dutch and I don't know whether you can read that.
What it comes down to, is that it is still unknown whether the cancer in my chest is curable of incurable. It will probably take a few more weeks to get that clear.
Basically I am in the same situation as everybody: We know that the body is going to die, and we don't know when it is going to happen - could be today, could be in thirty years. But in my case it is now a ? 50% ? chance that it will be within a few months. It is a wake-up call.
In the meantime I got morphine pills, which really help, and that is a big relieve after all these months of gradually increasing pains.
Thank you for offering your help. For now, help is not needed beyond what my friend Prerna is giving, but that may change.
Love,
Virendra
His wonderful friend and wife: Prerna, an angel on earth to relieve him from many of his discomforts, to comfort him with her sweet devotion, to remind him the joy of being loved, to sit with him in silence and much more that only belongs to the sacred-bond they shared.
At the beginning of January I found an email from her asking if I could pass by at their house.
My heart jumped in joy. And so it started, ...the beginning of the end. Or maybe a new beginning.
These were the last words from him I heard few hours before he left.
The silence deepened.
I was feeling since days a burning aching sensation in my heart. A call of love from the Beloved. The Beloved that Rumi talks about it. Finally that sweet painful longing I was feeling, calmed down and it melted in a cool lake of awareness.
He drew his last breaths.
Only Prerna was next to his bed.
Pratito, Srajan and me were sitting in compassionate stillness in the living room. And yet we felt it.
Yes, Virendra we never born we never died. The cloud doesn't cease to exist just because it turns into rain. But the cloud is in the rain, in the sun, in the grass, in the piece of paper one holds in his hands. We are a continuation. I was quoting from Thich Naht Hanh's book "No death no fear - comforting wisdom for life".
And certainly Virendra had no fear. It was humbling to watch him leaving us. Suddenly he would open his eyes wide and gave us a wonderful smile. You could only smile back at this utter innocence and love that was pouring out of him. And my heart would melt.
Couple of hours before he asked Prerna to send this email to friends. The subject of the email was: the goose is out.
Lieve vrienden,
Nu gaat het snel.
Ik ben blij.
Bye bye,
Virendra
When the moment arrived he said to Prerna: Bye bye.
He is continuing his journey. He knows the way.
May God bless his traveling to the other shore and beyond that.
I found a book in his house the day before he died, amongst so many Osho books. "The gift" from Hafiz. I started reading it and Prerna ever so generous told me to take it as his present. There was a paper in it, handwritten by Virendra, with many of his favorite poems. I read them all and choose two of them.
I have learned so much
I have learned
So much from God
That I can no longer
Call
Myself
A Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim,
A Buddhist, a Jew.
The Truth has shared so much of Itself With me
That I can no longer call myself
A man, a woman, an angel,
Or even pure
Soul.
Love has
Befriended Hafiz so completely
It has turned to ash
And freed
Me
Of every concept and image
My mind has ever known.
When
The words stop
And you can endure the silence
That reveals your heart's
Pain
Of emptiness
Or that great wrenching-sweet longing,
That is the time to try and listen
To what the Beloved's
Eyes
Most want
To
Say.
may you rest in the Beloved heart.
Finally at home.
The picture that you kindly sent me 2 years ago, of a laughing Utkantha during the Mystic rose in '88, hangs in my house and will always remind me of your wonderful presence on earth.
With an heart full of gratitude,
With a longing that never dies.
Milena,
aka
Ma Anand Utkantha.
On the 14 of February we will have a Sufi Dancing event in his dedication in de "Oude Kerk" in Amsterdam.
The blog bye bye Virendra was created by me and Driek one year ago in dedication for this man who walked this earth for a while. I shared my experiences and my thoughts about being with him in his last days. I also published few emails sent to me one year ago when Virendra died.
I described few events of The "heart dance" taking place in various places with "Friends of Virendra musician."
The last entry was about the injury of Prerna happening exactly on the first anniversary of his death.
I want to thank everyone for reading and contributing. It is my time now to say goodbye through this blog. If you like you can follow my adventures in life and my writings on my personal blog Mountain girl.
I wish you all well and most of all peace of mind and love in your heart.
Milena, a mountain girl!
For you Prerna, because you love the mountain too.She can received visit on the visit hours which are from 11 to 13 and from 16 to 19.30. Also tomorrow she will have a cellular in the room and people can call her. If you wish to know her cell number please email me and I will let you know.
After the initial shock Prerna is now fine and slowly accepting that it will take some time for her to fully recover. Pratito and Srajan took care of her last night and I spent most of the day today in the hospital telling her my war story of my long time in hospital.
Last year after I came back from my Christmas holiday in Italy Virendra called me to go and visit him. The story is told in the first blog entry. Last night I came back from Italy and I received a call from Gambheera telling me about Prerna situation. So is life.
Sending tons of love to everybody and a healing prayer to Prerna.
Rejoice in the Lord ( Void) always
and again I say rejoice
I thought to publish this invitation from Srajan to a day meditation. It is 20 years that Osho passed away, and almost one year from the departure of Virendra. In these 20 years many sannaysin have "left their body" just to name few I personally was friend with:
Ma Shanti Genny, Ma Yoga Sudha, most beloved Disha, Swami Bhavan Amsterdam and many many other including Sw Virendra. I like to add here also Tim Guest aka Yogesh who died last summer of an heart attack at the age of 34.
My heartfelt wishes for peace to the heart and acceptance of the body to Swami Rupesh (more info on his blog) in Mexico who suffers of another form of cancer.
(written by Milena)
From Srajan:
Hallo allemaal,
De allerbeste wensen voor het nieuwe jaar.
Deze maand is het 20 jaar geleden dat Osho zijn lichaam verliet en dat wordt in een meditatiekring gevierd door heel Nederland.
Wij willen dat in Amsterdam Buitenveldert vieren met meditatie en heart dance en willen jullie van harte uitnodigen.
Zegt het voort aan iedereen die graag mediteert.
Liefs,
Rajyo, Pratito en Srajan
Zondag 17 januari in De Atlant
10 – 11 Dynamische – meditatie
12 – 13 Nadabrahma - meditatie
13 – 14 Lunch
14 – 15.30 Heart Dance - met de Vrienden van Virendra
16 – 17 Kundalini - meditatie
Kosten € 25 incl. lunch. Losse meditaties € 5.
Voor deelname en informatie: bel 020-6694841 of mail srajan@xs4all.nl
Adres: Scholengemeenschap De Atlant, Teilingen 4, Amsterdam Buitenveldert.
Tram 5 of metro 51, halte Van Boshuizenstraat. Daarna 5 minuten lopen.
Neem je eigen meditatiekussen en handdoek mee.
De opbrengsten van de dag gaan als donatie naar de Stichting Vrienden van Osho.
Saturday 6 of April we were invited in Prerna 's house to celebrate with good food and music just the magic of life.
Prerna took out her recipe from the old Zorba the Buddha cook book. Amazing food and for an Italian expressing a comment like this it must means it was really delicious.
We enjoyed each other company in the house were our beloved friend Virendra spent so much time, silent time, meditating time, relationship time and finally his dying time. His presence were all over us and with us.
We didn' t even really finish eating that our musicians took their chitars and start playing. And of course singing.
Virendra in "Tai Chi" posture with a smiling Pratito and a concentrated Gyanam, tuning ....
Driek with his bass and Hinge's hands playing tablas.
Let's get going, singing our way to God. At least for me. In the back ground the dances were going on. We just missed Ageya, she couldn't make it.
Gambira ever so sweet and Virendra amazing picture. I couldn't stop photographing him with us.
And finally, "good bye and hello" our dear Friend. Your presence is ever so felt. Thank you Prerna for the sweet evening.
You could view more picture of a Milena rocking ....you in my blog.
Milena
This flower in Virendra's living room started to open the day he left his body. We could almost see unfolding its wonderful petals in the stillness of the apartment. The picture was taken the day after.
For a whole week Virendra's body was resting in his room. Friends could come and sit with him in prayer, in respectful silence, singing softly with tears, with smiles.
Prerna opened her house as a temple for meditation. The most powerful meditation I know.
Death meditation.
Yesterday, Wednesday the 4th of February the kind people of the undertaker company took with utter respect the body of Virendra to the crematorium De Niewe Ooster.
There a lot of friends were waiting to give the last goodbye to Virendra.
Musicians sang for ten minutes "There is so much magnificence near the ocean, halleluja".
Followed by ten minutes of silence.
Then the gentle notes of "Fly, fly high, let the earth touch the sky" transformed the silence into a devotional prayers of love, gratitude, and in some ways, so dear to the sannaysin, blissful space.
The following set of pictures may give you a bit of a feeling. I apologize in advance for the quality of the photos. I am not a photographer and my hands were so shaken by the magnitude of that moment and the intensity in the room. I came to know Virendra so intimately in the last days of his life and I was not immune, neither I wanted to, from emotions and tears in departing from his physical form.
You can click the link to the whole set of Virendra's cremation:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/29904709@N08/sets/72157613332989329/
or directly to the slideshow:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/29904709@N08/sets/72157613332989329/show/
After that the body was taken to the cremation oven and some of us went with him to help the casket to enter into the "holy fire".
Srajan pressed the button that lights the fire.
The last piece of his presence in the physical body completely detached itself from it and flew into eternal life with a serenity and a lightness that melted my heart and relieved my soul. We were so deeply moved.
In summer last year three friends of mine died in one week. I wrote a poem that I send to Virendra some time ago.
From an email from Prerna.
"Dear Milena,
I wanted to let you know that when I showed Virendra your BEAUTIFUL
e-mail and read the poem, Virendra leaned back, relaxed against his mountainous pile of pillows and smiled beautifully. It was really very nice and deeply moving. These deaths in our "family" are making us ready for our own great journey.
Much love from Prerna
The wind stopped blowing,
everything around is quiet,
even the birds hold their songs
listen
peace is the sound of silence
and I will be resting here
back to earth with lilies
covering me,
listen
I am home
finally at home.
It has been a wonderful Celebration, dancing and singing for our beloved friend Virendra.
Prerna sent me an email the day after which, with her permission, I am copying here for you all:
Beloved Milena,
Are you still glowing from the Sufi Dance yesterday? Walking through town to the tram stop I felt sometimes like I was flying! Was it because I was tired from organizing, packing, thinking and planning? No, maybe a little but what I mostly felt was deep gratitude for the friends who were there, the friends who created those songs, for the dance which makes me laugh like a little kid, for living on this beautiful planet, with sunshine on a cold winter's day. And looking at the musicians! Srajan really cracks me up, he so obviously enjoyed himself despite cold fingers- grinning like a little kid. At one point I had no partner so I stood behind each musician and danced at his back. Driek looked also totally in his element- laughing and enjoying and playing his beloved bass. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I'm still dancing and singing.............
That say is it all.
Thank you to everyone who came for this sweet Valentine's day of Love and Peace in the world and beyond this world.
Below some pictures of the event.
Sufi Dance event for Virendra and for love and peace in the world.
Getting started with lots of cakes.On 14 Feb in de "Oude Kerk" in Amsterdam there will be the Valentine Peace Celebration.
It is a day for love and peace in the world with many events happening between 11.00 and 16.00.
It is not possible to say precisely but around 14.00, Ageya, Srajan, Gyanam and friends will be playing Sufi Dance/Heart Dance de Oude Kerk. To make sure come early.
We will dedicate the event to our beloved friend Virendra.
All of you are invited to come and join. The details for the fee and the logistic you can find here on the valentine peace project program. It is an event organized by others, we are just guests.
Last night in Pratito and Srajan house we had the rehearsal for Saturday event and Virendra was with us all, in the room smiling happily.
At the end we watched old photos on Srajan computer about Virendra's past and I can tell you, he was very much there, in spirit.
Some shots from yesterday (by a poor photographer, me):
Srajan letting go for Virendra. These two guys were such good friends.
few weeks before Virendra passed awayDon't hesitate to mail me if you want to know more, but it is all written here what I know.
Love to all, friends of Virendra,
Milena
From Milena. A little introduction to this recipe that was emailed to me by Prerna to be posted on this blog.
Virendra in his last period didn't eat much. Actually he didn't eat at all.
He enjoyed only soups. When he described to me what he eats he kept on saying:"Prerna -with a smile on his face- makes such a delicious soup for me. Though I can only drink the broth. Also a tomato soup that Prerna - with a smile- makes can go down my throat. "
One day I prepared the Virendra's soup recipe you see below and it took me more then an hour to cut the veggies very fine and go through the exact procedure and cooking instruction that Prerna had given to me on a neat piece of paper. She did it for him for weeks in a row.
In his last days even the "wonderful Prerna's soup" was even too much for him.
It was so unbelievable sweet when he would make comment about his long hair becoming few tufts of hair after the Chemio. I don't care if I have only few long hair left, Prerna is the one that looks at me all the time. If she likes it that way I am fine with it. If she wants to cut it I am fine too. And then his smile was just radiating acceptance to what is and deep devotion for the woman that cared for him till his last day.
stukje gember
stukje geelwortel
150 g pompoen
50 g wortel
100 g champignons
50 g aubergine
50 g biet
25 g spercibonen
11/2 liter water
2 afgestreken theelepels sambal badjak
Gebruik de food chopper, of snij alles zeer fijn en breng alles aan de kook voor 5 minuten, verlaag de vlam en laat sudderen. Zet wekker voor 15 minuten.
Voeg 4 eetlepels soya saus toe.
Eerst de volgende groenten wegen, dan 4 minuten voor de wekker afgaat snij ze zeer fijn.
30 g courgette
75 g spitskool
l50 g prei (food chopper werkt niet goed)
100 g broccoli (kijk uit voor zwarte vlekken)
1 groot teentje knoflook
Voeg dit alles aan de sudderen soep toe en erdoorheen roeren. Als de soep weer gaat sudderen, zet de wekker voor 15 minuten. Zodra het afgekoeld is zet de soep in de koelkast.
Drie keer per dag serveren. Stomp eerst de soep een beetje, roeren, dan zeef maar 1 kop met de theezeefje. Opwarmen maar niet koken. Maakt genoeg voor 1 ½ dagen.
