Written the day after Virendra left his body
There was stillness in the house yesterday. The rhythm of his breath was an invitation to the rhythm of our heart.
Thank you Virendra for letting be in your close circle of friends in such an intimate moment, I said to him couple of weeks ago and again the day before his final departure.
Virendra has many friends and I can't say we knew each other very well on a day to day practical level, but our "connection" started long ago, here in Amsterdam in the faraway 1986.
Three weeks ago we laughed about that. He said do you remember Milena when you paid the Rebalancing Advance Training and you had trouble getting all the "Italian lira" to Holland. At that time he was in charge for the administration of the old Caravansary Osho center in Amsterdam.
And the suddenly it struck me this very gentle man, far away from any power trip of the Commune, looking at me with his wonderful blue eyes trying to help me out on financial things. A detail I had forgotten but that came vividly back in my mind.
Over the years after that, we met again many times in Poona and always he had this gentle beautiful smile as if he was all the time in contact with the secret of life.The giggling laughter of a real sadhu.
I think Virendra knew the art of being watchful, mindful, peaceful with an open heart. I am sure. I tasted his grace in his last days of his life. I breathed into the depth of his meditation, that took me gently deeper inside myself.
He has been facing with an extreme dignity his mortal predicament. He did what he could to help his body recover from the cancer and when there was nothing more to do, he accepted this too.
When in October last year, I found out he was sick, I wrote him an email. He replied:
Cara Milena,
What a nice surprise to receive an email from you, and with so much empathy.
Yesterday I included you among the people that I sent the latest news about my health, but is was in Dutch and I don't know whether you can read that.
What it comes down to, is that it is still unknown whether the cancer in my chest is curable of incurable. It will probably take a few more weeks to get that clear.
Basically I am in the same situation as everybody: We know that the body is going to die, and we don't know when it is going to happen - could be today, could be in thirty years. But in my case it is now a ? 50% ? chance that it will be within a few months. It is a wake-up call.
In the meantime I got morphine pills, which really help, and that is a big relieve after all these months of gradually increasing pains.
Thank you for offering your help. For now, help is not needed beyond what my friend Prerna is giving, but that may change.
Love,
Virendra
His wonderful friend and wife: Prerna, an angel on earth to relieve him from many of his discomforts, to comfort him with her sweet devotion, to remind him the joy of being loved, to sit with him in silence and much more that only belongs to the sacred-bond they shared.
At the beginning of January I found an email from her asking if I could pass by at their house.
My heart jumped in joy. And so it started, ...the beginning of the end. Or maybe a new beginning.
Virendra, yesterday, on his last day he looked peaceful. I told him, "My dear I dreamt about you last night and you were so happy hugging us." He looked at me with smiling eyes and the sweet smile on his face and he said: I am very happy, now, Milena.
These were the last words from him I heard few hours before he left.
The silence deepened.
I was feeling since days a burning aching sensation in my heart. A call of love from the Beloved. The Beloved that Rumi talks about it. Finally that sweet painful longing I was feeling, calmed down and it melted in a cool lake of awareness.
He drew his last breaths.
Only Prerna was next to his bed.
Pratito, Srajan and me were sitting in compassionate stillness in the living room. And yet we felt it.
These were the last words from him I heard few hours before he left.
The silence deepened.
I was feeling since days a burning aching sensation in my heart. A call of love from the Beloved. The Beloved that Rumi talks about it. Finally that sweet painful longing I was feeling, calmed down and it melted in a cool lake of awareness.
He drew his last breaths.
Only Prerna was next to his bed.
Pratito, Srajan and me were sitting in compassionate stillness in the living room. And yet we felt it.
"Emptiness", Virendra said the day before yesterday. "I feel a great emptiness. No attachment".
Yes, Virendra we never born we never died. The cloud doesn't cease to exist just because it turns into rain. But the cloud is in the rain, in the sun, in the grass, in the piece of paper one holds in his hands. We are a continuation. I was quoting from Thich Naht Hanh's book "No death no fear - comforting wisdom for life".
And certainly Virendra had no fear. It was humbling to watch him leaving us. Suddenly he would open his eyes wide and gave us a wonderful smile. You could only smile back at this utter innocence and love that was pouring out of him. And my heart would melt.
Couple of hours before he asked Prerna to send this email to friends. The subject of the email was: the goose is out.
Lieve vrienden,
Nu gaat het snel.
Ik ben blij.
Bye bye,
Virendra
When the moment arrived he said to Prerna: Bye bye.
He is continuing his journey. He knows the way.
May God bless his traveling to the other shore and beyond that.
I found a book in his house the day before he died, amongst so many Osho books. "The gift" from Hafiz. I started reading it and Prerna ever so generous told me to take it as his present. There was a paper in it, handwritten by Virendra, with many of his favorite poems. I read them all and choose two of them.
Yes, Virendra we never born we never died. The cloud doesn't cease to exist just because it turns into rain. But the cloud is in the rain, in the sun, in the grass, in the piece of paper one holds in his hands. We are a continuation. I was quoting from Thich Naht Hanh's book "No death no fear - comforting wisdom for life".
And certainly Virendra had no fear. It was humbling to watch him leaving us. Suddenly he would open his eyes wide and gave us a wonderful smile. You could only smile back at this utter innocence and love that was pouring out of him. And my heart would melt.
Couple of hours before he asked Prerna to send this email to friends. The subject of the email was: the goose is out.
Lieve vrienden,
Nu gaat het snel.
Ik ben blij.
Bye bye,
Virendra
When the moment arrived he said to Prerna: Bye bye.
He is continuing his journey. He knows the way.
May God bless his traveling to the other shore and beyond that.
I found a book in his house the day before he died, amongst so many Osho books. "The gift" from Hafiz. I started reading it and Prerna ever so generous told me to take it as his present. There was a paper in it, handwritten by Virendra, with many of his favorite poems. I read them all and choose two of them.
I have learned so much
I have learned
So much from God
That I can no longer
Call
Myself
A Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim,
A Buddhist, a Jew.
The Truth has shared so much of Itself With me
That I can no longer call myself
A man, a woman, an angel,
Or even pure
Soul.
Love has
Befriended Hafiz so completely
It has turned to ash
And freed
Me
Of every concept and image
My mind has ever known.
Good journey, friend, originally uploaded by driek.
When You Can Endure
When
The words stop
And you can endure the silence
That reveals your heart's
Pain
Of emptiness
Or that great wrenching-sweet longing,
That is the time to try and listen
To what the Beloved's
Eyes
Most want
To
Say.
Finally Virendra,
may you rest in the Beloved heart.
Finally at home.
The picture that you kindly sent me 2 years ago, of a laughing Utkantha during the Mystic rose in '88, hangs in my house and will always remind me of your wonderful presence on earth.
With an heart full of gratitude,
With a longing that never dies.
Milena,
aka
Ma Anand Utkantha.
On the 14 of February we will have a Sufi Dancing event in his dedication in de "Oude Kerk" in Amsterdam.
may you rest in the Beloved heart.
Finally at home.
The picture that you kindly sent me 2 years ago, of a laughing Utkantha during the Mystic rose in '88, hangs in my house and will always remind me of your wonderful presence on earth.
With an heart full of gratitude,
With a longing that never dies.
Milena,
aka
Ma Anand Utkantha.
On the 14 of February we will have a Sufi Dancing event in his dedication in de "Oude Kerk" in Amsterdam.
The blog bye bye Virendra was created by me and Driek one year ago in dedication for this man who walked this earth for a while. I shared my experiences and my thoughts about being with him in his last days. I also published few emails sent to me one year ago when Virendra died.
I described few events of The "heart dance" taking place in various places with "Friends of Virendra musician."
The last entry was about the injury of Prerna happening exactly on the first anniversary of his death.
I want to thank everyone for reading and contributing. It is my time now to say goodbye through this blog. If you like you can follow my adventures in life and my writings on my personal blog Mountain girl.
I wish you all well and most of all peace of mind and love in your heart.
Milena, a mountain girl!
For you Prerna, because you love the mountain too.She can received visit on the visit hours which are from 11 to 13 and from 16 to 19.30. Also tomorrow she will have a cellular in the room and people can call her. If you wish to know her cell number please email me and I will let you know.
After the initial shock Prerna is now fine and slowly accepting that it will take some time for her to fully recover. Pratito and Srajan took care of her last night and I spent most of the day today in the hospital telling her my war story of my long time in hospital.
Last year after I came back from my Christmas holiday in Italy Virendra called me to go and visit him. The story is told in the first blog entry. Last night I came back from Italy and I received a call from Gambheera telling me about Prerna situation. So is life.
Sending tons of love to everybody and a healing prayer to Prerna.
Some pictures of a nice day singing and dancing heart dance with Rangini and the Friend of Virendra. In Wajid on the 16 of January.
When we danced the song "Rejoice in the Lord" Rangini told everyone present that Virendra really liked the song, only he couldn't really say "Lord" actually he did not wanted, instead he changed into the word "Void."
Rejoice in the Lord ( Void) always
Rejoice, rejoice
and again I say rejoice
and again I say rejoice
I remember having a discussion about this with him in his last weeks. He was all for emptiness and void, and nothingness and I love to call on God, the Lord, the Almighty Father the fullness of life and the richness of dying.
Just two different ways although a common past in our time with Osho, still so many ways to express the Ultimate. I like the dance of the Lover with the Beloved like the Sufi and Christian mystics, Virendra liked the sense of "nothingness".
Some people sang Lord and some used the word Void. Pick the one that resonates with you.
As long as you rejoice in whatever happens to you with gentle acceptance and a heart in love, then all is okay.
Milena
I thought to publish this invitation from Srajan to a day meditation. It is 20 years that Osho passed away, and almost one year from the departure of Virendra. In these 20 years many sannaysin have "left their body" just to name few I personally was friend with:
Ma Shanti Genny, Ma Yoga Sudha, most beloved Disha, Swami Bhavan Amsterdam and many many other including Sw Virendra. I like to add here also Tim Guest aka Yogesh who died last summer of an heart attack at the age of 34.
My heartfelt wishes for peace to the heart and acceptance of the body to Swami Rupesh (more info on his blog) in Mexico who suffers of another form of cancer.
(written by Milena)
From Srajan:
Hallo allemaal,
De allerbeste wensen voor het nieuwe jaar.
Deze maand is het 20 jaar geleden dat Osho zijn lichaam verliet en dat wordt in een meditatiekring gevierd door heel Nederland.
Wij willen dat in Amsterdam Buitenveldert vieren met meditatie en heart dance en willen jullie van harte uitnodigen.
Zegt het voort aan iedereen die graag mediteert.
Liefs,
Rajyo, Pratito en Srajan
Zondag 17 januari in De Atlant
10 – 11 Dynamische – meditatie
12 – 13 Nadabrahma - meditatie
13 – 14 Lunch
14 – 15.30 Heart Dance - met de Vrienden van Virendra
16 – 17 Kundalini - meditatie
Kosten € 25 incl. lunch. Losse meditaties € 5.
Voor deelname en informatie: bel 020-6694841 of mail srajan@xs4all.nl
Adres: Scholengemeenschap De Atlant, Teilingen 4, Amsterdam Buitenveldert.
Tram 5 of metro 51, halte Van Boshuizenstraat. Daarna 5 minuten lopen.
Neem je eigen meditatiekussen en handdoek mee.
De opbrengsten van de dag gaan als donatie naar de Stichting Vrienden van Osho.
;;
